Learning with Barb Cain

As a Pathfinder parent, I send my kids for a daily dose of learning knowing it is good for them.  So when the opportunity for parents to have a dose of education, I confess, I wasn't sure that I wanted to focus and learn.  But I recognized that I did have an opportunity.  Not only will I learn, but I will model to the kids that the learning doesn't end after you graduate.  So I headed to the school to spend part of an evening expecting to learn.  What I didn't expect is to take so many notes!  The information was so helpful, that I am inspired to share what I learned.

We were introduced to the concept of introverts and extroverts, and we may have one trait ourselves, and our children might have another.  That opened the idea that we might like to be treated one way, and our kids in another.  So, the first lesson was to consider the difference between ourselves and our kids. 

Those differences may become more pronounced at transitional ages.  As tweens begin to gear up for the transition that teenagers face, they begin testing the boundaries that parents set for them.  For parents, knowing that this phase will happen is helpful, but having some tools to manage this transition can lessen the tension in the house.  First developing a plan on what topics are negotiable and what are non-negotiable is helpful.  We can each draw that firm boundary motivated by safety or house policy, and then allow them choice in the other areas.  That way, when they are given a choice it is a true choice for them to make.

The discussion of boundaries brought up a few questions.  Kids will want things that we will say no to.  Recognizing that kids will want some things is the first step.  Being comfortable with telling them no, is the next step.  And the difficult third step is to see a possible negative affect on the kids.  The example given, was drawing a line on violent video games.  You may be happy with the choice, the child may even understand the choice, but watching when no friends want to come over as a result, is difficult to see.  Drawing the boundary, even unpopular, can be a wonderful model for them to learn from, as peer pressure will affect them in the future if it isn't already.  What we, as a parent, can control is being a safe and supportive parent when our children face dissapointments.

Separating our emotions from theirs can be difficult when they are sad, and even more challenging when they are angry.  But that is another important tool that Barb introduced us to.  They will have emotions all over the map, and we can either be pulled into it, or be the grounding influence as they navigate through this transition.  When they are upset, they may try trigger you.  What will happen in this phase is 'snarky' behavior, as Barb called it.  If we develop or establish our own personal policy and react consistently, it will help reduce this testing time.  What the tweens want to know is if the boundary will change.  Also recognizing that each parent will have their own personal policy can bring peace and acceptance in the house.  There are advantages for the child to learn how to interact with different people and having two different parent reactions, will help them. 

In the end, the answer was simple.  Barb reminded us to be kind to ourselves first.  If we can do that, we are better prepared to interact with our kids with whatever mood they come home in.  Making an effort to find time for ourselves is actually helping those around us.

 

--Cathy Colburn, parent

Eric, class of 2011

Rebeca, class of 2013

Alex, class of 2015